Resident Evil 4 Spoof
by Taito-Yamachi-lvr
Summary: Because you can never have too many funny Resident Evil things. Section 13 is now up. Chapter One complete! Guess I should mention that there will obviously be spoilers for the game in here.
1. Chapter 1

OK, a quick note. When you see a word in _italics, _that means that the word is supposed to have a line through it. Try, to remember, k?

* * *

Leon: I remember that incident in Raccoon City 6 years ago…I showed up on my first day as a cop and the whole fuckin' city was zombie-infested…it really sucked. The government took care of the threat before it could spread.

Government dude: Mr. President, Raccoon City is full of zombies. What should we do?

President: Sell tickets!

Government dude: …

President: No? Then we'll go to Plan B. BOMB 'EM!

Bomb (nukes entire city)

Zombies: WHAT ABOUT OUR RIGHTS!?

Zombies (all die)

Leon: Nice. Anyway, I'm a government agent now. I have a new haircut and a sexy deep man voice which are supposed to show that I've changed over the last six years.

Spanish Cop#1: Ssip ot evah i. (I have to piss.)

Car (stops so Spanish Cop#1 can pee)

Spanish Cop#1: Damn it's cold. My testicles are like peas!

Something evil (evilly watches cop peeing)

Spanish Cop#1: …OMG is something watching me?

Leon (in car): I am SO bigger than him.

Spanish Cop#1 (gets back in car and drives Leon to village of assholes)

Spanish Cop#1: OK, get out.

Leon: Fine.

Spanish Cop#2: We're going to wait here, because it's not like that big truck over there will suddenly start up and knock our car into the ravine and force us to try and flee on foot and wind up dead or anything.

Leon: …what?

Spanish Cop#2: We don't want a parking ticket.

Spanish Cop#1: (witch cackle)

Leon (mutters): Freaks.

Spanish Cop#2: WHAT'D YOU SAY?

Leon (acts all ultra-cool government agent man and walks toward house up ahead)

Creeper in house who's watching Leon from a window: Poc a, this! Esuoh ym ni senob namuh eht nrub ot evah ll'I won! (Shit, a cop! Now I'll have to burn the human bones in my house!)

Leon (enters house and sees Creeper)

Leon: Excuse me.

Creeper (pretends not to hear Leon so he can shovel human bones into the fireplace)

Leon (sighs and walk up to Creeper)

Leon: Excuse. ME.

Creeper (stops and turns around to face Leon all creepy-like)

Scary music (screeches)

Leon: WTF? Um, anyway, have you seen this girl?

Leon (holds out picture of a blonde _rat_ _monkey_ girl)

Creeper: Gnoid uoy era kcuf eht tahw!? Esuoh ym fo tuo teg! (WTF are you doing!? Get out of my house!)

Leon: Ew. Creeper.

Leon (turns around and tucks picture into pocket)

Creeper (picks up axe)

Leon (hears Creeper and turns around)

Creeper: I AXE YOU!

Leon (judo-rolls to safety)

Creeper (misses Leon)

Leon (pulls out gun)

Leon: FREEZE!

Creeper (doesn't freeze)

Leon: I SAID FREEZE!

Creeper (creeps toward Leon with axe)

Leon (shoots Creeper in the face)

Creeper (falls to the floor and stops moving after crying like a baby)

Leon (hears Creepers and a Creeper truck outside, runs over to window and peeks out to see Creepers and their Creeper truck outside)

Creeper truck (knocks Spanish cop car into ravine)

Creepers (surround house)

Leon: Shit! OK, I can probably kill them all if I'm quiet.

Leon (jumps out a window whose glass shatters REALLY loud)

Creepers (all look at Leon and creep toward him)

Leon: How'd they find me!?

Leon (kills the Creepers, but gets shanked by a pitchfork once or twice)

Leon's radio: PUHKSSHT!

Leon: Hello?

Hunnigan: Hi, I'll be your _dominatrix_ communicator.

Leon: Wow. And here I thought Ingrid Hunnigan sounded like a witchy old schoolteacher.

Hunnigan: You're a dick.

Leon: Least my name doesn't suck.

Hunnigan: Whatever. I'm just calling to see what your current situation is.

Leon: I just killed, like, four Creepers.

Hunnigan: Oh SMOOTH.

Leon: What? They tried to kill me first!

Hunnigan: I'm so sure.

Leon: Listen, hor. If you actually went outside into the real world once in a while, you'd believe me.

Hunnigan: Just find the President's daughter.

Hunnigan (hangs up)

Leon (walks down path)

Wolf (whimpers all heart-wrenchingly)

Leon: Poor BABY!

Wolf (is caught in a bear trap)

Leon: OMG I must help it!

Leon (frees wolf)

Leon: Wanna hug?

Wolf (limps off)

Leon: Yay, that's my good deed for the day. Now I can blast Creepers without remorse.

Leon (goes down path and kills a Creeper who screams at him)

Leon: And your hat's ugly, too.

Leon (goes into a little wooden shack up ahead)

Woman villager's corpse (is shanked in the head with a pitchfork and hanging on the wall of the shack)

Woman villager's corpse's blood (drips)

Leon: …maybe I should call Hunnigan and tell her to tell the President that his daughter is fucked.

Leon (goes down path and kills, like…2 or 3 Creepers, including a stealthy Creeper who's hiding in another wooden shack)

Leon: Don't mess with Scott or you'll get shot!

Creeper (dying): Lord Saddler…

Leon: Lord Saddle Her? Sounds kinky.

Leon (crosses bridge)

3 Creepers on a hill (spot Leon and run off to warn the rest of the Creepers)

Leon: Aw fucks.

Leon (enters village)

Leon's radio: PUHKSSHT!

Leon: Jesus, radio, I don't think the Creeper at the top of the watchtower heard you!

Radio: Sorry.

Leon (answers radio)

Hunnigan: Hi, I'm assuming you're doing pretty badly so I'm sending you a Playing Manual.

Leon: What do you think this is, a video game or something?

Hunnigan: Oh please. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. By the way, Leon, this is a stealth mission. Try not to let anyone see you, ok?

Leon: Check. Leon out.

Leon (hangs up)

Leon: Hm, better scope out the village with my super secret binoculars.

Leon (checks out the village with his super secret binoculars)

Village (looks normal except for the part where there's the corpse of a Spanish Cop on a spike burning in the middle of town)

Leon: …OMG I am so going to die.

Leon (puts away binoculars)

Leon: Hm, how should I go about this?

Hunnigan's voice echoing in Leon's head: Remember, Leon. This is a stealth mission. Try not to let anyone see you.

Leon: Right.

Creepers (are all pretending to do their work and be normal instead of assholes)

Leon (snipes one right in the head with his Handgun)

All 5 Creepers (magically detect Leon's location, point towards him, and yell some babble)

Leon: This is SO rigged.

Leon (shoots all 5 Creepers)

Leon: Woot! That was easy!

5 more Creepers (appear out of nowhere)

Leon: OMG they're witches!

Creepers: Garrrgh!

Leon: I'm going to run into this two-story house with the open door to avoid getting swarmed!

Leon (runs into house)

Outside (10 more Creepers appear along with a Chainsaw Maniac)

Leon (hearing the chainsaw): OH FUCKS.

Leon (closes the door and barricades everything, then runs upstairs and grabs a Shotgun, a grenade, and a pussy amount of Pesetas and then jumps out an open window and hides far back on the roof like a little sissy coward)

Leon: OMG, what should I DO?

Hunnigan's voice (echoing): Stealth…

Leon: Oh, right.

Leon (knocks all the ladders down while the Creepers are climbing them)

Leon (at the top of his lungs): YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Some bell (rings just as Leon was about to get his head chainsawed off)

All the Creepers: Lord Saddler…Church…_Bingo_…

All the Creepers (go to church)

Leon (is alone in the village)

Leon: OK, time for a witty line. Where's everyone going? Bingo?

Corpse of Spanish Cop: Dude, shut up. You're not cool.

Leon: Fuck you and your dead ass.

Leon's radio: PUHKSSHT!

Leon: I swear to God, radio, I'm going to pop you right in the head if you're not quieter.

Radio (cries)

Hunnigan: Leon, we have some new info.

Leon: All the Creepers left to go play bingo or something.

Hunnigan: Yeah, whatever. There's a path next to the watchtower. Take it. It leads to the church where we think Ashley is being held.

Leon: I won't have to run from a boulder Indiana Jones-style, will I?

Hunnigan: …Agent Kennedy, stop eating green herbs.

Hunnigan (hangs up)

Leon: grumblegrumblestupidgrumblegrumpnamesoundslikea50yearoldschoolteachergrumble

Leon (goes through door to the Farm)

Something blue (is shiny)

Leon: OOH!

Blue medallion: Shoot 10 of me and you'll get a free gun!

Leon: Awesome.

Something sparkly (is hanging over a well of shit-water)

Leon: Hm.

Leon (closes lid and shoots shiny thing)

Shiny thing (is worth a lot of money)

Leon: Yes!

A Creeper pretending to move hay with a pitchfork: Gargablahblah!

Another Creeper (stalks toward Leon)

Leon: Why don't you have any LIVES!?

Leon (kills the 2 Creepers)

Chicken (lays an egg)

Leon: Ooh!

Leon (picks up white egg)

Leon: Cool. What do I do with this?

Egg: You use me to recover health.

Leon: You're shittin' me. I ain't eatin' no raw egg!

Chicken (lays another egg)

Leon: Hey, this one's brown!

Chicken (lays a shiny egg)

Leon: Wait…it's gold? It can't be real.

Leon (bites egg)

Leon's tooth (chips)

Leon: OK. It's real.

2 Creepers (are pretending to be normal)

Leon: Fakers.

Leon (kills the 2 Creepers)

An axe (shanks Leon in the back)

Leon: AW WTF!?

Leon (turns around)

Creeper bastard (is on the upper level of the barn holding another axe to throw at Leon)

Leon (shoots him in the head)

Creeper (screams and falls, landing right on his head)

Leon: K, he's dead. I guess.

Leon (loots the farm and shoots shiny blue things)

Leon: OK, moving on.

Leon (enters a suspiciously empty area with stairs leading downhill)

Leon (suspiciously): Hm.

Big-ass boulder (looks innocent)

Leon (starts going downhill)

3 Creepers (appear out of nowhere and push the boulder so it rolls after Leon)

Leon: Oh MOTHER—

Leon (runs from the boulder Indiana Jones-style and dodges out of the way)

Boulder (misses Leon)

Leon's undies (are wet)

Leon: K. Moving on.

Leon (enters short tunnel)

Sparklys (sparkle on the ceiling)

Leon: Ooh!

Leon (shoots the sparklys and takes them)

Bats (get in Leon's face)

Leon: Get out of my GRILL, HORS!

Leon (knifes all the bats)

Leon: That'll teach 'em.

Creeper (is up ahead just standing there)

Leon: Hm.

Leon (walks forward)

Creeper (takes out a stuck of dynamite, lights it, and chucks it at Leon)

Leon: OMG that is so cheating!

Leon (runs)

Creeper (runs like a puss into the safety of a nearby cabin where 2 other Creepers with dynamite are)

Leon: OK, I need a plan. Lemme look at the landscape.

The landscape (has a shitload of bear traps, one of those TNT-trigger trap things, 2 small shitty cabins and 1 big house, and about 4 Creepers)

Leon: I think Mr. Handgun can take care of this.

Leon (lets dynamite people blow the bear traps shut, explode the TNT-trigger trap thing, and blow each other up)

Leon: Awesome. Lootin' time.

Leon (loots the entire area)

Leon: Hm, I wonder what's in this big shitty house.

Leon (goes in house and starts looting stuff)

Creepy banging noise (bangs)

Leon: Um…what is that?

Leon (saves on the typewriter just in case the banging noise is a monster that wants to kick his ass)

TNT-trigger trap thing (is sinister)

Leon: Hey, WTF is that doing in a house?

Leon (explodes is from a distance)

Leon: OK, all clear.

Leon (goes into the next room and sees ANOTHER TNT-trigger trap thing)

Leon: There better be something VALUABLE in here.

Leon (loots a little more then goes upstairs)

Big-ass cupboard (is making the creepy banging noise)

Leon: Hm. Do I want to open this?

Cupboard (bangs loudly)

Leon: All right, jeez.

Leon (opens cupboard)

Some tied-up guy with duct tape on his mouth (falls out)

Leon: FREEZE!

Tied-up guy (tries to talk through the duct tape and wiggles)

Leon: Why are you shaking your head? If you're trying to start a game of Charades, I'll pop you right in the eye. I hate that game.

Tied-up guy: MMMMPH!

Leon: Hold on, I can't hear you.

Leon (rips the duct tape off)

Tied-up guy: OW!

Leon (thinking): Wait, the bad guys tied him up, so he must be good, right?

Tied-up guy: What are you, a cop?

Leon (untying him): You're not supposed to say that until the replay game where I wear my old RPD cop uniform.

Tied-up guy: Um, k. I'm Luis.

Leon: What's going on here?

Luis: I have no clue because I totally did not do any research whatsoever about the parasites that have infected everyone.

Leon: Bummer. I have to find someone who can help me find out what happened. I'm Leon, by the way.

Big Creeper (stalks in with 2 mini Creepers)

Luis: Aw, man.

Leon (doesn't know that this is the Village Douche who's a badass)

Leon: I GO KARATE ON YOU!

Leon (tries to kick Village Douche)

Village Douche (grabs Leon's foot and flings him back)

Leon (lands on Luis)

Luis x Leon fangirls (squeal)

Luis: OW! You're crushing my arm, cop!

Leon: Shut up!

Luis and Leon (pass out)

END OF SECTION 1-1


	2. Section 12

Head Creeper: You humans are feeble because you're normal and don't have parasites busting out of your heads…let me share our…power.

Creeper: Um…how exactly is having a natty old parasite in you power?

Head Creeper: QUIET!

Syringe (sticks into Leon's neck)

Something that looks like a red Tylenol capsule (squeezes into Leon's neck)

Leon's neck: OMG GET IT OUT!

Camera (shows Head Creeper)

Head Creeper (is fugly in the style of Emperor Palpatine)

Head Creeper: Soon you won't be able to resist this…intoxicating power.

Creeper: Wait…we can resist?

Head Creeper: No, you can't.

Creeper (all empowered): I could lead the other Creepers against you and restore order to our land! I'll just extract the parasite from this cop so he can hel—

Head Creeper (kills Creeper)

Head Creeper: Ideas are dangerous things, brother.

Leon (groggily wakes up and finds himself tied to Luis)

Leon x Luis fangirls (squeal)

Leon: Man, this ALWAYS happens when I try to be nice.

Luis (is unconscious)

Leon: No way I'm going to be the only conscious one. Hey, you! Wake up!

Luis: Poodles…

Leon: …what?

Luis: Nothing. Man, we crawl out of one hole and into another.

Leon x Luis fangirls: Mm, Luis crawling into Leon's hole…

Leon: Luis, I'm hearing bad things. And my neck hurts.

Luis: Well it totally couldn't be because you were injected with a parasite by the Head Creeper.

Leon: I know, that's crazy. I think I must have fallen asleep on my neck or something.

Luis: Yeah, sleep. You're American, right?

Leon: And here I thought I was Japanese.

Luis: …er, what are you doing here in this town that's exactly like Spain but not?

Leon: I'm looking for this…well, I THINK it's a girl, but it has this rat face and big monkey ears.

Leon (manages to show Luis Ashley's picture)

Luis (cringes)

Luis: It BURNS! Put it AWAY!

Leon (puts it away)

Luis: Are you a cop or something? Nah, you don't look the type.

Leon: I've got news for you.

Luis: It can wait. So who was that chick in the picture?

Leon: Guess.

Luis: OK, I'm totally randomly going out on a limb here…she's the President's daughter?

Leon: OMG you're a witch!

Luis: NO! NO!

Leon: Back, witch! I have an Incendiary Grenade!

Luis: I'm not a witch! It was just a lucky guess! And I can't go anywhere, retard! We're tied together!

Leon: …lucky guess, my ass. You know more than you pretend not to know.

Luis: …what?

Leon: Start explaining.

Luis: I told you, man, I don't know anything about Plagas or Saddler or Los Illuminados!

Leon: Playing dumb won't help you!

Luis: Fine, you really want to know how I knew who she was?

(dramatic pause)

Luis: Psychic powers.

Leon: OMGNOWAYTHATISSOCOOL!

Luis: Nah, just kidding.

Leon cries

Outside (the Creeper from the very beginning of the game heads toward the house, dragging a big axe)

Creeper's face (looks like a meat grinder had sex with it)

Leon: Who are you again?

Luis: I'm Luis. I'm a good-for-nothing ladies' man.

Leon: Hm.

Luis: Oh, and I used to be a cop.

Leon: I suddenly feel a connection to you and I don't know why.

Luis: I have a bullshit story about how being a hero isn't what it used to be.

Leon: That's nice. I used to be a cop. Only for a day, though.

Luis (snickers)

Leon (elbows him in the back)

Luis: OW!

Leon: I showed up in Raccoon City and everyone was a zombie.

Luis: Hm.

Leon: Oh, and I had to deal with parasitic monsters.

Luis: I suddenly feel a connection to you and I'm not supposed to tell you why.

Leon: Whatever.

Luis: Raccoon City? That was the incident with the viral outbreak, right? I saw a sample of the virus in the lab of my department.

Leon: And you probably jacked it. Wait, your police department had a lab? OMG that is so cool!

Creeper with the fucked-up face: Uoy llik I won! (Now I kill you!)

Leon and Luis (scoot backwards for their lives)

Luis: Do something, cop!

Leon: What are you, a scientist? YOU do something!

Fugly Creeper (raises axe)

Dodge buttons (are pressed)

Leon's brain (works)

Leon: OK, lean forward.

Axe (comes down)

Rope (splits from axe)

Leon and Luis (roll to freedom)

Creeper: RAAARGH!

Creeper (tries to axe Leon)

Leon (totally pwns him with the awesomest judo flip-kick I've ever seen…it even has slow motion!)

Creeper (hits wall)

Creeper's neck (breaks)

Leon: I am the Pwning Lord.

Luis (runs like a puss)

Leon: I'LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY!

Leon's radio: PUHKSSHT!

Leon (answering it): WHAT!?

Hunnigan: EW, don't yell at me!

Leon: I got news, bitch!

Hunnigan: It took you long enough!

Leon: I was…tied up.

Hunnigan: I don't want to know about your sexual exploits, Agent Kennedy.

Leon: Just because you don't get any. Anyway, there was a male civilian.

Hunnigan: What happened to him? America can't have top government agents running around raping people, you know.

Leon: I said he was MALE. And he got away because he ran like a puss.

Hunnigan: Some operative you are.

Leon: I beg your pardon?

Hunnigan: Just head for the church.

Hunnigan hangs up

Leon: What. A. Bitch.

Leon (collects stuff from house and exits room)

Freako Creeper in the window: Over here…STRANGER.

Leon: no way! First thing they taught us in Kindergarden was to never follow strangers!

Freako Creeper: …I'll light some torches, ok?

Leon: …fine.

Leon (goes around the corner and sees Freako Creeper)

Freako Creeper: Got somethin' that might interest ya.

Freako Creeper (goes to whip open robes)

Leon: HEY! I don't wanna see that!

Freako Creeper: …I'm just going to show you my merchandise, stranger.

Leon: Prostitution is illegal.

Freako Creeper: …I sell WEAPONS.

Leon: Ooh! You're a merchant!

Merchant: …you're a bit slow, aren't ya, stranger?

Merchant (opens robe to show guns, ammo, and a crapload of other stuff)

Leon: Wow, if I carried all that stuff around, my clothes would all rip off from the weight.

Merchant: …I really didn't want to think about that, stranger.

Leon: Whatever.

Leon (browses through stuff, sells off Rifle Ammo and a few other treasures, buys a TMP and upgrades Handgun and Shotgun a little bit)

Leon: OK, let's see what's next.

Leon (peeks through hole in the wall)

Cutscene (shows a crapload of Creepers all over the place on the other side)

Leon: Oh God, what should I do?

Merchant: Well, a puss would buy a Rifle and snipe them all, but a badass—

Leon: Special Agent Leon Scott Kennedy IS badass! A badass would go Handgun or Shotgun to Pitchfork with those Creepers! Good idea, Merchant-man!

Leon (runs through doors)

Merchant: …I was going to say that a badass would buy a Rocket Launcher and blow the hell out of them.

Leon (stands there for a moment trying to decide which Creeper to pop first)

Creeper with pitchfork (points at Leon and screams)

Leon: Quiet, fool!

Like, 6 other Creepers (run towards Leon)

Leon (shoots Creeper with pitchfork)

Another Creeper (tosses axe)

Axe (shanks Leon)

Leon: Y'all are assholes.

Creepers: Uoy rebmuntuo taht selohssa. (Assholes that outnumber you.)

Leon: Time for Plan G!

Leon (tosses grenade into the Creepers)

Creepers (splode)

Leon: Sweet!

Leon (picks up shiny ammo/money/health things)

More Creepers (swarm towards Leon)

Leon: Aw damn.

Creeper with dynamite (decides to be clever and throws dynamite at Leon even though Leon is 20 feet from him)

Dynamite (fizzles)

Creepers (run over dynamite)

Dynamite (splodes)

Creepers (die)

Creeper who threw dynamite (standing alone): Um…awkward.

More Creepers: WtF, man! Kill HIM, not US!

Creeper with dynamite (hangs head with shame)

Other Creepers: No more dynamite for you.

Creeper with dynamite: But I just lit this one!

Leon (shoots lit dynamite in Creeper's hand)

Dynamite (splodes and kills all the Creepers)

Creepers (dying): What type of idiot would want to carry dynamite around, anyway?

Leon: Man, I wish I could carry around dynamite!

Leon (opens treasure chest)

Leon: Arr, let's see what booty I be gettin'.

Half of an ugly emblem (is inside the chest)

Leon: Worst. Plunder. Ever.

More Creepers (run towards him)

Leon: Hey, an explosive barrel!

Creepers: Uh, no, you don't want to shoot that.

Leon: Why not?

Creepers: Cuz. It'd be…bad.

Leon: For who?

Creepers: Um…us.

Leon (shoots barrel)

Creepers (all splode)

Creepers (dying): What dumbass left a goddamn explosive barrel lying around?

(Earlier…)

Creeper: Whew, this highly explosive barrel sure is heavy! I'm going to leave it out in the open here because it's not like a secret government agent from America will come to our town looking for the President's daughter we're going to kidnap.

(Back to present)

Leon: So, I'm guessing that I have to find the other half of this ugly emblem, put them together, and use it for something.

Leon (spots treasure chest on the other side of the area on top of a roof)

Leon: Aw, MAN!

More Creepers (start running across the bridge towards Leon)

Creepers: Melbme ylgu eht tcetorp! (Protect the ugly emblem!)

Leon: Come on, you don't really want this emblem. It's ugly! Look at it!

Creepers: …

One Creeper: You know, he might be right.

The other 5 Creepers: BLASPHEMY!

One Creeper (gets shanked by 5 pitchforks)

Leon: OK. Now it's time to run.

Leon (starts running downhill)

Creepers (start running uphill)

Leon: All right, bowling time.

Leon (rolls grenade downhill towards Creepers)

Creepers (stop running and laugh at the grenade)

Creepers: Look how tiny it is! Ooh, I'm SO scared! It might chip my nails! AAH HA HA HA HA HA—

Grenade (cries…then blows all the Creepers up)

Creepers: What the HELL, dude!?

Grenade: Pwned you, bitches.

Leon: Um, moving on.

Leon (starts crossing the bridge but pauses midway to listen)

Leon: huh. It's quite for once.

Some fucker on a roof: TAKAHEEDO!

Leon: You just HAD to ruin it, didn't you?

Fucker on the roof (can't get down even though there's a ladder in front of him and decides to throw dynamite at Leon even though it falls short every time and drops into the abyss)

Leon: Yeah, you go crazy with that.

Fucker: Yllautneve uoy tih ll'I! (I'll hit you eventually!)

Leon (shoots Fucker in the face)

Fucker (screams and falls off the roof, landing on his head)

Leon: Owned. Now it's time to get the treasure chest on this other house.

Leon (looks through window)

Creepers (are inside, just standing there)

Leon: …yeah, I'm not goin' in there.

Game: You need the other half of the ugly emblem to get out of this area.

Leon: OK, let me think.

An explosion (interrupts Leon's thinking)

Leon: Where the butt-fucking hell did that come from!?

Leon (turns around)

Fucker from the roof who fell on his head (is lighting another stick of dynamite)

Leon: Hey! You're not supposed to survive that!

Leon (shoots dynamite in Fucker's hand)

Fucker (splodes)

Leon: How you like me now!?

Handgun: You got SPLODED, bitch!

Leon: Handgun, please. Leave the trash talk to those in the know.

Handgun: …

Creepers: …

Creeper: Nugdnah sih ot gniklat yug taht is? (Is that guy talking to his handgun?)

Other Creeper: Tcatnoc eye ekam t'nod. (Don't make eye contact.)

Leon: OMG I know what to do!

Leon (chucks grenade into room)

Creepers (splode)

Leon: Man, this game is so easy. I shouldn't worry about saving grenades because it's not like a 20 foot giant is going to fight me or anything.

Leon (gets the other half of the ugly emblem from the treasure chest and loots the entire area)

Leon: OK, next area.

Leon (puts emblem into door)

Door (unlocks)

Leon: You know, now that I think about it, making me gather those halves of the ugly emblem was kind of pointless. Why didn't they just make this door a regular door?

Game: DO NOT QUESTION ME!

Leon (enters next area)

Stairs leading into a house (look innocent)

Leon: …things are too quiet. I don't see any Creepers.

House: Come on in, you'll have fun…(cackle)

Leon: There's going to be like 50 Creepers in there with dynamite and shit, isn't there?

House: That's crazy talk.

Leon (reluctantly enters house)

Leon: There better not be any Creepers on the other side of this door.

Creepers on the other side of the door (whispering): Hide! Hide!

Leon (opens door)

Room (seems to be empty)

Leon: Oh awesome, I finally get a break!

Creeper hiding around the corner: Gadah!

Leon: RIGGED! RIGGED, I say!

Leon (blasts Creeper in the face and knifes its body)

Leon: OK, all done.

3 more Creepers (run down the corridor and hop over bigass hole in the wall)

Leon: Oh come ON!

Leon (kills these Creepers)

Leon: The only thing that would make this worthwhile is if I found an elegant mask made of gold.

Leon (enters room with 2 windows)

Leon: Um…I don't like this.

Game: Too bad. Pick a window, sucker.

Leon: But they both lead to the same place!

Game: Yeah, but one window means you're fucked, and the other means you have a lesser chance of being fucked.

Leon: Wow. Such great options. But how bad could it be? It's not like there'll be Creepers chucking dynamite at me two at a time with 2 other Creepers throwing axes and shit at the same time.

Window: You're crazy. Just break through me.

Leon (breaks through window)

Creepers (chuck dynamite two at a time and throw axes and shit)

Leon: What the FUCK, man!?

Leon (ducks behind…um…those things you duck behind)

Dynamite (splodes but doesn't hurt Leon, instead sending some crap up into the air)

Leon (stands up)

Dynamite-throwing Creepers (duck down)

Leon: Hey! That's cheating!

One of the other 2 Creepers (throws an axe)

Axe (shanks Leon)

Leon: Listen, motherfuckers, you're all just lucky that I can't catch the things you throw at me, because if I could there'd be CARNAGE.

Creepers: Haey, haey. Nam a ekil sknahs ruoy ekat. (Yeah, yeah. Take your shanks like a man.)

2 Creepers with dynamite (pop back up)

Leon (shoots the dynamite)

Dynamite (splodes and kills all the Creepers)

Leon: Awesome!

Leon (runs forward)

Beartrap (closes on Leon's foot)

Leon: AHHWTF WHO PUTS BEAR TRAPS IN A GODDAMN HOUSE!?

Bear trap: Gotcha, bitch.

Leon (forces the trap open and steps out, then knifes the other bear traps so they'll shut)

Leon: I'm on to your sneaky tricky-tricks now, Creepers. I'll be watching for bear traps from now on.

Creepy music (is still playing)

Leon: Hm. Must not have killed everyone.

Oven: Hey, open me!

Leon: Why?

Oven: Just do it!

Leon (opens oven)

Spinel (sparkles)

Leon: Oh DAMN yeah!

Oven: You should open every oven you find because there totally won't be a guy in an oven who pops out at you later on in the game.

Leon: …what?

Oven: There are shinys in ovens.

Leon: Ohh.

Leon (opens door)

Creeper with pitchfork (looks at Leon)

Leon (kills him)

Leon: Hey, what's that sparkly thing in the other room?

Leon (jumps into room)

Elegant mask made of gold (sparkles)

Leon: Woot awesome!

Leon (grabs mask and continues)

Leon: I think I got everyone.

Scary music (is still playing)

Leon: Damnit, where's the last one?

Last Creeper (points at Leon and screams even though there's no one else to hear him)

Leon (shoots him)

Last Creeper (screams and falls into the fish area)

Leon: Sleepin' with the fishes. Ha. I made a funny.

Leon (knifes the fish and takes them as well as the other crap in the pond)

Leon: So what do I do with these fish?

Fish: You eat us to recover health.

Leon: That's not happening. I'll sell you for money instead.

Leon (climbs ladder and goes to next area)

Village (is empty)

Leon: …hey now. There better not be an ambush. I have a Shotgun.

Leon (enters house and sees weird door)

Door (has some green circle orb thing with black in the middle on it)

Game: Do you want to rotate the green circle orb thing up, down, left, or right?

Leon: Um…what am I trying to do here?

Game: That's for me to know and you to spend hours trying to figure out.

Leon: I'm guessing I have to form the shape of the things on either side of the green circle orb thing.

Game: Hey! That's thinking! You're Leon, you can't do that!

Leon: Watch me.

The puzzle (is solved 12 moves later)

Leon: Huzzah!

Game: You know, you could have solved it in 2 moves.

Leon: Whatever.

Door (opens)

Leon: Yet another pointless puzzle. Why couldn't this have been a regular door as well?

Game: YOU DARE QUESTION MY GENIUS!?

Leon: Moving on. It's time to loot the Village Douche's house.

Leon (is sneakin' around the Village Douche's house all crazy and lootin' shit)

2 Creepers (are muttering outside the door)

Leon 9hears them and opens the door, trying to listen in on their conversation even though he doesn't understand Spanish)

Village Douche (stands behind him menacingly)

Leon (spins around)

Village Douche: I CHOKE YOU!

Leon (chokes)

Leon's eyes (turn red because apparently the parasite makes your eyes turn red when you're being choked by the Village Douche)

Village Douche: I see your eyes turned red. That was cool, so I'll spare you this time. We may have the same blood, but I'll kick your ass raw if you get in our way, comprendez?

Village Douche (drops Leon)

Leon (gasping weakly): Same…blood? My eyes…turned red…and I…missed it? What…the…fu…

Leon (passes out)

END OF SECTION 1-2


	3. Section 13

Leon (wakes up)

Leon: Ugh…I'm still in the Village Douche's house. I'd better go downstairs because he's probably waiting to throttle me in his room.

Village Douche's voice (on the other side of the door): That's crazy.

Leon: …

Leon (dials Hunnigan on the radio)

Hunnigan: What?

Leon: Um…I think I'm in deep shit, cuz my eyes are turning red and stuff. And—

Hunnigan: It's called detox.

Leon: I'M NOT! ON! DRUGS!

Hunnigan: Agent Kennedy, how dumb do you think I am?

Leon: You would never call me again if I answered that.

Hunnigan: …

Leon: …

Hunnigan: I'm hanging up now.

Leon: Wait! There's like a cult or something!

Hunnigan: Oh?

Leon: Um, yeah. They do…bad things.

Hunnigan: …

Leon: …

Hunnigan's radio (clicks off)

Leon: God, she never takes me seriously!

Leon (winces suddenly)

Leon: Man I have to pee! Where do you find a bathroom around here?

Leon (sees door downstairs)

Leon: Maybe there's a potty in here.

Leon (opens door)

Creeper taking a piss inside (screams like a girl)

Leon: Oops!

Leon (closes the door and backs away)

Leon: I'm bigger than him, too.

Creeper (punches door open and storms toward Leon with righteous fury because his private piss has been interrupted)

Creeper (angrily): Hablahbla—

Leon (introduces his Shotgun to the Creeper's head)

Creeper's head (explodes)

Leon: That's hot.

Leon (goes into bathroom and sees urinal)

Leon: Ew! It's all rusty and grody and shit! No WAY I'm using that! I can hold it or use a pitcher or something! Gross!

Leon (loots everything in sight)

Leon: Hey, an oven!

Leon (opens it)

Oven (has an egg in it)

Leon: Cool. Hey, I wonder if I can equip eggs.

Leon (equips egg for a weapon)

Leon: Hee. I wonder what these do to enemies.

Leon (opens door and looks outside)

Leon: I think I hear something that sounds faintly like a chainsaw. But I think there were chickens here, too. Must be the chickens.

Chainsaw Maniac (grins)

Leon (walks forward)

Chainsaw Maniac's chainsaw: VRRRRR!

Leon's bowels (release)

Leon: O. M. G.

Chainsaw Maniac (starts running at him)

Leon (to egg): SAVE YOURSELF!

Leon (throws egg)

Egg (splats on the potato sack of Chainsaw Maniac)

Chainsaw Maniac: OH NO I'M ALLERGIC TO DAIRY!

Leon: Really? Then why didn't you die from my cheesy one-liners?

Chainsaw Maniac: …

Leon: …

Chainsaw Maniac: I SAW YOU TO BITS!

Leon: OMG DON'T HURT ME!

Leon (runs inside and stands in the corner like a puss)

Door (starts rattling from the chainsaw)

Leon: Eek!

Door: Hey! Mofo with the chainsaw! Why don't you try OPENING me instead of hacking me to pieces?

Leon: Better yet, Mr. Mofo, why don't you try GOING AWAY and telling all your Creeper buddies to leave me alone?

Chainsaw Maniac (opens door)

Leon: Well, it was worth a try.

Chainsaw Maniac (runs at him)

Leon: Wait, I haven't run out of grenades yet!

Chainsaw Maniac: Hey, no. No throwing grenades.

Leon: Excuse me? You have a chainsaw!

Chainsaw Maniac: But does my chainsaw explode?

Leon (is absorbed in the awesomeness of that idea)

Chainsaw Maniac: The answer is no.

Leon: Darn.

Chainsaw Maniac: Now put the grenade down nice and easy, and I'll saw your head off.

Leon: …yeah, that doesn't work for me.

Leon (chucks grenade)

Explosion (knocks Chainsaw Maniac onto his face)

Leon (runs up and empties 7 shotgun rounds into Chainsaw Maniac's head)

Chainsaw Maniac (starts getting to his feet)

Leon: You're not human!

Chainsaw Maniac: …damn, you're so dumb I almost feel bad killing you.

Leon (fires one more Shotgun blast)

Chainsaw Maniac (dies)

Light (appears)

Leon: Ooh, a Ruby! Where'd that come from?

Game: Yeah, that's totally a Ruby and not a big scab made from the blood of the Chainsaw Maniac.

Leon: …what?

Game: Just pick it up, boy.

Leon (picks up Ruby and then exits the Village Douche's house)

Creepers: HAH GAH BLAH!

Leon: Where'd they COME from?

Leon (blasts Creepers with Shotgun)

Leon: Yeah, who's your daddy?

Shotgun: Me.

Leon: Hey, you're a shotgun. You can't talk.

Shotgun: Sorry.

Leon: 'S ok.

Leon (goes back to the Village of Assholes)

Leon: I think there was a door or something that had a fugly symbol on it that was similar to this key I jacked from the Village Douche.

Door (has fugly red symbol on it like the key Leon jacked from the Village Douche)

Leon: Bingo.

Creeper: Ognib yas enoemos did? (Did someone say bingo?)

Leon: Shite.

Leon (unlocks door with fugly red symbol and runs inside)

Leon: Whew. That was close.

Leon (takes everything in sight)

Leon: Hey, a flame-y lamp.

Leon (shoots lamp)

Lamp (falls and smashes on the ground, creating an awesome explosion)

Leon: I approve. Hey, there's a Spinel in there!

Leon (picks Spinel up)

Leon: What kind of dumbass leaves money in a flame-y lamp?

(flashback)

Creeper dad and little girl Creeper (are running around, grabbing their possessions)

Creeper Dad: Yrruh! Noos ereh eb lliw tnega live eht! Nwo ew gnihtyreve laets ll'eh! (Hurry! The evil government agent will be here soon! He'll steal everything we own!)

Little Girl Creeper (all Cindy Lou Who-ish): Yddad, su etah eh seod yhw? (Why does he hate us, daddy?)

Creeper Dad: Yenoh, wonk t'nod I. Egalliv ruo ni toof tes eh tnemom eht morf lleh gnivil a efil sih edam dna rethguad s'tnediserp eht deppandik ylno ew. (I don't know, honey. We only kidnapped the president's daughter and made his life a living hell from the moment he set foot in our village.)

Little Girl Creeper: Deid ehs nehw em evag Ymmom taht Lenips siht tup I dluohs erehw, Yddad? (Daddy, where should I put this Spinel that Mommy gave me when she died?)

Creeper Dad: Pmal y-emalf siht ni ti edih, yenoh, kciuq. (Quick, honey, hide it in this flame-y lamp.)

(back to present)

Leon (continues down tunnel and sees another flame-y lamp)

Leon: Well, the last one had money, so…

Leon (shoots lamp)

Lamp (explodes again)

Shinys (magically appear on the ceiling)

Leon: OMG magic lamp!

Leon (shoots the shinys and picks up the awesome items)

Leon: Rock.

Merchant (sees Leon picking up the shinys and decides that he's rich)

Merchant: Welcome!

Leon: Yeah, hi.

Merchant: Buy from me!

Leon: Hm.

Leon (looks through stock and sees TMP)

Leon: I want THAT.

Merchant: Sold!

Leon (sees upgrades for TMP)

Leon: I'll take those, too.

Merchant: Not enough cash…STRANGER.

Leon: Fuck. You.

Merchant: Well, OK, but it won't get you a discount, stranger.

Leon (backs away slowly and runs out door)

Merchant: Come back anytime!

Leon (shoots a bird's nest out of boredom)

Hand grenade (falls out of nest)

Leon: OMG I KNEW the crows were plotting against me!

Creeper bitch (hears gunshot)

Creeper bitch: Mih teg! (Get him!)

Leon: Pfft, what, only one?

Two more Creepers (run toward him)

Leon: Figures.

Leon (kills all three)

Crows (fly away)

Leon: No! Come back! I wasn't going to kill you! Honest!

Crows (don't believe him and keep flying)

Leon: Damn.

Leon (starts going up the path towards the church)

Creeper with dynamite standing next to two other Creepers (decides to be clever and lights dynamite)

Leon: Hey, you don't want to do that.

Creeper with dynamite: Ton yhw? (Why not?)

Leon: Because I can do THIS!

Leon (shoots dynamite)

Dynamite (explodes and kills all three Creepers)

Leon (to Handgun): Damn I love you.

Handgun: I know.

Leon: Of course you do, I just told you.

Leon (notices church)

Leon: Hm, there's a church. But I wonder if there's another one.

Leon (runs past church)

Leon's radio: PUHKSSHT!

Leon: Radio, man, Creepers can HEAR YOU!

Radio: Sorry.

Hunnigan: Leon, did you get to the church?

Leon: Eeeeyeah, kinda. I'm just checking to see if there's another church or not.

Hunnigan: Leon, did I mention not to take the scenic route?

Leon: Trust me, as long as I have to see your face, my route won't be scenic.

Hunnigan: ASSHOLE! Head for the church!

Hunnigan (hangs up)

Leon: Man, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.

Leon (looks at church)

Leon: I bet it's locked.

Leon (calls Hunnigan)

Hunnigan: WHAT!?

Leon: The church is LOCKED, hor!

Hunnigan: Did you CHECK it?

Leon: I don't have to. I know it's locked.

Hunnigan: CHECK it!

Leon: Listen, lady, this is Resident Evil. I'll probably have to fight, like, a fucking giant or something to get to the thing that unlocks the church.

Hunnigan: You can't know that just by looking at the church.

Leon: Hey, who's the government agent here?

Hunnigan: Actually, I think we both a—

Leon: ME. Leon out, hor.

Leon (hangs up)

Leon: I wonder what's behind the church.

Leon (goes behind the church and kills the pesky Creepers who are bent on ending his life)

Leon: God, why does EVERYONE here hate me ?

Leon (sees pedastal with symbols on it and something locked in the center)

Leon: A puzzle? The thing inside had better be something awesome, and not like a stupid green jewel or something.

Leon (fiddles with the dial for an hour until the middle console finally unlocks)

Stupid green jewel (is sitting inside)

Leon: God-DAMN-it!

Leon (takes jewel anyway and heads down the path beside the church where you have to jump across)

Leon: Hey, wait, I have to jump? Who the fuck am I, Mario?

Creeper (jumps across)

Leon (shoots him)

Creeper (falls, screaming, into the abyss)

Leon: I think I like this place.

Leon (enters shack nearby with boxes and barrels)

Leon: I sure do love these boxes and barrels! There're free items inside, and best of all, there aren't any snakes waiting inside to lunge and pluck one of my eyes out!

Leon (knifes box)

Snake (is inside waiting to lunge and pluck one of Leon's eyes out)

Leon (knifes snake)

Leon: Hey! There was a snake in there!

Creeper outside (giggles)

Leon: Not THAT kind of snake, you perv.

Shiny light (appears)

Leon: An egg came from the snake? Hm…must have been a girl snake.

Game: Yeah, because snakes totally don't eat chicken eggs or anything.

Leon: Hey, Game? You're crazy enough as it is, don't try to be crazier by spouting ideas like that.

Leon (enters the next area)

Group of, like, 20 crows (caw like bastards and stand in a circle)

Leon: ZO. M. G.

Leon (chucks a grenade at the crows)

All 20 crows (die)

20 shiny money lights (appear)

Leon (weeps over the beauty of it for a few moments before collecting everything)

A noise that sounds like the roar of something big (roars loudly)

Leon: That noise sounds kind of like…bad.

Leon (enters the Merchant's shop)

Merchant: Welcome!

Leon: Shuddup.

Merchant: I've got something special for you!

Leon: Ooh!

Merchant (holds out free Punisher)

Leon: Um…and I would use this instead of my normal Handgun which I've upgraded because…?

Merchant: Uh…well…it can shoot through…more than one enemy?

Leon: …

Merchant: Well, FUCK, just take it and sell it back to me, you ungrateful wretch!

Leon (does that)

Merchant: Come back and I'll pop you with the Punisher, stranger.

Leon: Whatever.

Leon (leaves and enters the swamp area)

Boulder (sits quietly atop a cliff)

Leon (walks forward)

Boulder (is pushed by three Creepers)

Leon: OMG NOT AGAIN!

Leon (runs all Indiana Jones style from the boulder)

Boulder (misses him)

Leon (wheezes)

Leon: Ok, I'm fine.

Leon (looks around the area and realizes it's pretty big)

Leon: Well…I'll just stick to the docks. It's not like I'll turn around and there'll be a bunch of Creepers coming from where I just entered, because it's obviously empty.

Leon (reaches the end of the first dock)

A bunch of Creepers (magically teleport to the entrance of the swamp behind Leon)

Leon: OMG they're WITCHES!

Leon (runs back and kills all the Creepers)

Leon: God, whoever made this game needs to DIE.

Game: Stop being a whiny bitch and keep moving.

Creepers (appear in front of him)

TNT trigger-trap thing (explodes and kills a Creeper)

Leon: Ah, comedy.

Leon (kills the Creepers coming at him and runs down the docks until he sees a second TNT trigger-trap thing)

Leon: Hm…should I just explode this or—

Creeper (is standing ahead innocently with his back to Leon)

Leon (pops him in the back)

Creeper (turns around and runs blindly toward Leon)

Leon (backs up)

Creeper (runs straight into the TNT trigger-trap thing)

Leon: AAH HA HA HA HA!

Another Creeper: TAH KAH DOH!

Leon: Damnit.

Leon (kills other Creeper and enters the Lake area)

Leon: Hey, I think I see a boat out there on the lake.

Leon (takes out his super secret binoculars and zooms in)

Two Creepers on a boat (dump Spanish Cop into the lake)

Spanish Cop (floats)

Lake Thing (bursts up and eats Spanish Cop)

Leon 9sees Lake Thing eat Spanish Cop)

Leon: Wow. I'm so glad I don't have to fight that.

Game (cough)

Leon (calls Hunnigan)

Hunnigan: WHAT?

Leon: I wanna go home. Like now.

Hunnigan: Too bad.

Leon: A Lake…Thing…just ate someone.

Hunnigan: Honestly, Leon, I don't care. Stop wasting time and FIND ASHLEY.

Hunnigan (hangs up)

Leon: Why does NO ONE listen to me!?

Leon (heads toward the Lake, shooting a bird nest)

Gold Bangle (falls out of nest)

Leon: Damn crows! Jacking all the expensive shiny shit!

Leon (takes the stuff from the nearby shack and looks at the dock by the lake)

Leon: …I'm tempted to stand on the dock and start firing into the water, but I sense something bad might happen.

Lake: You're crazy, go ahead and shoot.

Leon: Nah, I'll pass.

Lake: Damn.

Leon: Hey, Game. There's nowhere to go.

Game: Get in the boat, son.

Leon (remembers the Lake Thing)

Leon: No.

Game: DO IT, son.

Leon: NO!

Game: You'll have fun, I promise.

Leon: …

Game: See those bass? If you get in the boat, you can harpoon them!

Leon: Ooh! Fun!

Leon (gets in boat and starts harpooning bass)

Leon: Whee!

Bass (all die)

Leon: Darn, these ones are all dead and skewered. I wonder if there are any more around?

Game: Try looking for them in the middle of the lake.

Leon: OK!

Leon (motors over towards the middle of the lake)

Lake Thing aka Killer Guppy Monster (bursts from the lake all slow-mo)

Killer Guppy Monster: RAR!

Leon: OMG! Killer guppy!

Killer Guppy Monster (starts to swim away)

Leon: Oh thank God, it's going away. Wait, why is there a rope leading from it to my bo—

Boat (is suddenly pulled forward by Killer Guppy Monster)

Leon (lands on his ass in the boat)

Leon: Aw DAMN! I SAID I didn't want to fight it!

Killer Guppy Monster (starts swimmin' around all boss-like)

Leon: Time for me to go Ishmael on his ass.

Leon (picks up harpoon)

Killer Guppy Monster (passes boat)

Leon (shanks it with harpoon)

Blood (sprays from Killer Guppy Monster)

Leon: Hit!

Leon (shanks it with two more harpoons)

Killer Guppy Monster (dives and disappears)

Leon: …where the fuck is it?

Killer Guppy Monster (starts swimming towards the boat with its mouth open)

Leon: I don't wanna be guppy food!

Leon (throws three harpoons at it)

Killer Guppy Monster (closes its mouth and dives)

Leon: Man, that was close.

Leon (shanks Killer Guppy Monster with five harpoons)

Killer Guppy Monster (knocks Leon out of the boat)

Leon: Oh SHIT.

Leon 9dog-paddles for his life and hauls himself into the boat)

Leon: gasppantwheezechoke

Killer Guppy Monster: Damnit! Missed him!

Leon (manages to avoid having a heart attack and harpoons Killer Guppy Monster again)

Killer Guppy Monster: YOU SLAY ME!

Killer Guppy Monster's corpse (starts sinking to the bottom of the lake)

Leon: I'm going to stand here and not move because that rope is totally not going to wrap around my leg or anything.

Rope (totally wraps around Leon's leg)

Leon: AAAAGH!

Leon (hacks away at rope)

Rope (breaks)

Leon's leg (hurts like a muther)

Leon (lays gasping in the boat, then sits up and motors off like he didn't almost die)

Leon: Man I'm a badass.

Game: A badass who almost killed himself by letting a friggin rope wrap around his leg.

Leon: Shut it.

END OF SECTION 1-3

END OF CHAPTER ONE


	4. Section 21

START OF CHAPTER 2

START OF SECTION 2-1

Leon *unconscious on the floor*

Bug on rafter: Hi, Mom!

Game: Stop that. This is serious.

Bug on rafter: Oh, sorry. I didn't know.

Leon: Ugh, feels like I got sat on by a Killer Guppy Monster. My head is killing me.

Leon's veins *twinge*

Leon: OW! What—

DISGUSTING bulgy veins *start bulging*

Leon: Oh GOD what is—

Disgusting bulgy veins *start spreading up both of Leon's arms*

Leon: PLEASE let this be a hallucination brought on by the herbs. PLEASE.

Leon's face *is covered in GIANT VEINS OF TERROR*

Leon: AAAAH OH GOD WHYYY—

Leon *wakes up panting*

Leon's heart *is having an asthma attack*

Leon *makes sure he's fine*

Leon: Whew. Damn herbs.

Radio: PUHKRSSSHT!

Leon: NOT the time.

Radio: Just doin' my job, man.

Leon: WHAT?

Hunnigan: It's been six hours since your last transmission. I told HQ you were probably wandering around stoned.

Leon: Well I WASN'T. I was having a _nightmare_, thank you very much. And I killed a Guppy Monster.

Hunnigan: Sounds thrilling.

Leon: I hate your voice. Stop making words.

Hunnigan: Quit dicking around and get Ashley.

Hunnigan *ends transmission*

Leon: Welp, guess I still have to find Dogface. Wonderful.

Leon *hops in boat*

Leon: What's this place over here? There's a cabin. Maybe the Necronomicon is inside. Ha, just kidding! Everyone knows that was just a movie.

Scary noise *is heard off in the distance*

Leon *looks around nervously and hurries up the hill*

Leon: Huh, another cabin. That's not creepy.

Leon *hears a low grrrgh sound*

Leon: Um…that had better be the wind and not a jacked-up wolf or something.

Wolf *trots out*

Leon: Aw, look how _cute _you ar—

Wolf: GRAGGHSNAARLIKILLYOU

Leon: WHAT the—

Wolf's back *is demolished by tentacles that burst out*

Like 20 more wolves *appear on the hills*

Leon *runs away for his life*

Leon: RUNFUCKBOATFUCKHARPOONFUCKWOLVESFUCK

Leon *clambers into boat and motors away to a safe distance*

Wolves: CURSE YOUR USE OF TECHNOLOGY!

Leon *harpoons them*

Leon: Ha! Killing wild life is always good for a laugh!

Wolves *do look kind of funny with giant harpoons sticking out of them*

Leon: Hmm, those look like Merchant torches way over there.

Leon *motors over to the Merchant's cave*

Merchant: Go away!

Leon *spots barrels and free stuff*

Leon: No _way_!

Leon *breaks all the barrels, gets hit by a snake, and snatches all the free treasures*

Merchant: Oi was savin' those for me kids, strangah.

Leon: Oops. What're ya sellin'?

Merchant: Don't mock me. And I'm only peddlin' tune-ups.

Leon: Oh _lame_.

Leon *leaves*

Game: Are you DONE? Does harpooning innocent wildlife and stealing from helpless Merchant children give you a sense of accomplishment?

Leon: …yes.

Game: Well it shouldn't. Hightail it to the secret passage.

Leon: But it's a secret!

Game: Just GO!

Leon *grumbles and heads through swamp*

Cutscene *starts*

Creeper: Doo dee doo doo…

Creeper's head: I say, I do feel like exploding into an annoying horror!

Creeper's head *explodes into an annoying horror*

Leon: Oh god-_DAMN-_it! As if I didn't have it bad enough already!

Creeper in the background *yells something and charges toward Leon while taking no notice of his headless friend because apparently he's seen it before and isn't impressed*

Leon *chucks a Flash Grenade*

Flash Grenade: I give my life for _yooooou_—

Flash Grenade *explodes*

Annoying Horror *also explodes*

Other Creeper: My _eyes_! MY _EYES_! _What_ did you DO to my _EYES_!?

Leon (with watering eyes): Ha. Nothin' to it.

Leon *kills other Creeper*

Leon: Wait, what's this?

Goldbars: Hey there.

Leon: Well _hel_-lo! Where did you come from?

Goldbars: The horror.

Leon: That must mean you'll ALWAYS appear from those annoying horrors, and the horrors won't be a common enemy because goldbars are so uncommon. Hooray!

Goldbars: Actually—

Leon: Be quiet, I'm talking.

Leon *collects goldbars and continues to the rope*

Leon: Thank God I learned how to belay myself in government agent training!

Game: I bet you be-LAY yourself a lot.

Leon: That joke failed pretty hard.

Game: You would know, failure.

Leon: Just leave me alone and let me do this.

Leon *rappels down*

Leon: Aww yeah, feels good. Now to—

Axe *sails by Leon's head*

Axe: So close!

Leon: HEY!

Creeper on platform: Knup, morf emac taht erehw erom. (More where that came from, punk.)

Leon: I don't think an axe in my face would improve my looks.

Creeper *pauses to think about this*

Leon *shoots him in the leg*

Creeper: HCUO! (OUCH!)

Creeper *falls on his ass*

Leon *scrambles up the ladder and stabs it to death*

Leon: That'll teach you to fight back when I'm invading your country and slaughtering your fellow men. Now, to create a path.

Leon *looks around, but only sees a far away area he can't jump to*

Leon: So…what am I—

Game: You see those crates?

Leon *squints*

Leon: Yes.

Game: Shoot the chains.

Leon *squints more*

Leon: How am I supposed to hit THOSE? I only have a Handgun, TMP, and Shotgun!

Game: Maybe Skinflint Kennedy should have bought a Rifle.

Leon: Maybe you should have GIVEN me one.

Leon *manages to hit all the chains*

Chains *sound like someone being hit on the head by an anvil or frying pan when they break*

Leon: …k.

Leon *jumps across and pulls the lever, then jumps back to the ground*

Leon: Hey, wait. I just noticed that this entire area is empty. That means there's a trap somewhere.

Creeper (in cave): Su ot no s'eh, nam ho! (Oh man, he's on to us!)

Other Creeper in cave: Ti wolb ll'uoy ro pu tuhs! (Shut up or you'll blow it!)

Leon *jumps to middle area*

A bunch of Creepers: EGRRRRAAAYHC!!! (CHYAAARRRRGE!!!)

Leon *jumps back the way he came*

Creepers *start jumping across the crates*

Leon *shoots them one by one and watches as they all fall into the water with a splash*

Leon: That…was sort of disappointing.

Creeper in the water: ~gurgle~

Leon: Anyway, onward to sparklies!

Leon *takes the treasure and enters the cave*

Round Insignia: 'Sup.

Leon: Uh oh. This looks obvious. That means something bad is up ahead.

Radio: PUHKSSHT!

Leon: Hey, Hunnigan. I'm finally going to the church to get Ashley.

Hunnigan: Glad to see you made her a priority after…what, eight hours?

Leon: You ungrateful—

Hunnigan *hangs up*

Leon: …why was that conversation even necessary?

Leon *goes through doors and sees boat*

Leon: Oh _man_, do I have to fight a-_nother_ Killer Guppy Monster?

Game: No, no. That's crazy. This boat will take you to a Merchant.

Leon: I don't believe you.

Game: Too bad, it's the only way you can go.

Leon *grudgingly gets in the boat and is taken back to the Merchant*

Merchant: 'Ello, strangah!

Leon: I already met you.

Merchant: Well, you strangahs all look alike to me.

Leon *goes outside and steps into the area with the shacks*

Leon: Wait, this is the area with that scary, bad-sounding growling!

Cutscene *shows El Mucho Biggo, who slaughters, like, twelve villagers*

Game: OK, now _you_ fight him. Go!

Leon: DID YOU NOT SEE HIM _SLAUGHTER_ THOSE TWELVE VILLAGERS!?

Game: No, it's cool, it's cool. You have a knife. Go!

El Mucho Biggo: RAAAAARRGH!

Leon: My fuckin' knife is, like ten inches long! That thing's THIRTY FEET TALL!

Game: Oh please. Baby. Now go get 'em!

El Mucho Biggo *lumbers toward Leon*

Leon *runs screaming like a girl*

Game: _Shoot_ it, you retard!

Leon *pauses to shoot*

El Mucho Biggo *pimpslaps him*

Leon *flies across the stage and hits a wall*

Leon's face *smacks into the ground*

Leon: I don't WANNA be a government agent anymore!

Game: Tough shit!

El Mucho Biggo: RAAAAWR!

Leon *pops him in the knee*

El Mucho Biggo: OH GOD IT HURTS SO BAD!

El Mucho Biggo *falls to one knee*

Leon: Uh…now what?

Game: Shank him in the back!

Leon *jumps onto El Mucho Biggo and slices away at parasite*

Parasite: OW! HEY! OW! STOP!

El Mucho Biggo *shrugs Leon off*

Leon: So I just have to do this over and over? Sweet! This'll be easy!

El Mucho Biggo *rips a tree out of the ground*

Leon: Hey, you can't do that! Did you see what he just did? That's _cheating_!

Tree trunk: Time for me to OWN you, bitch.

Leon: Ah, but you forget that I have super secret agent move—

Tree trunk *slams into Leon and throws him across the area, breaking two of his ribs*

Leon *hacks up a pint of blood and part of his lung*

Leon: OK. Now I'm fucked.

Sound of Salvation *sounds*

Leon: Did I just hear a dog bark?

Dog *is not just any dog but that dog you saved from the bear trap*

Leon: OMG you came to rescue me? That is so _sweet_ I LOVE YOU!

Dog *distracts El Mucho Biggo and runs away*

El Mucho Biggo *lumbers after dog*

Leon: Oh, what, you're just going to run around and shit? Where's the _gun_, DOG?! SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD!

Dog *keeps running*

Leon: Man, I have to do EVERYTHING myself.

Dog *runs in front of Leon*

Leon: What—

El Mucho Biggo *looks from dog to Leon*

Leon: Oh HELL no.

El Mucho Biggo: YOU BIGGER! I EAT!

Leon *fires TMP at him*

El Mucho Biggo: MY _LEG_!

El Mucho Biggo *falls to knees*

Leon *hacks and slashes and yeah*

Parasite: I HATE YOU!

Parasite *dies*

Leon: Hey, I won!

El Mucho Biggo: OOOOGH…

Leon: Hey…why's he swaying?

El Mucho Biggo: OOOOOOOOGH…

Leon *backs up a bit*

El Mucho Biggo: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGH!

El Mucho Biggo *crashes to the ground in front of Leon*

Leon: Hey! That could've killed me!

Game: Yeah, watch out when they fall.

Leon: They? Are there MORE?

Game: Uh…look! A big shiny light!

Leon: Ooh!

Leon *gathers gold and leaves the area*

Leon: OK, I know where the church is, so it should be smooth sailing from—

Something that sound like a jacked-up wolf *growls*

Leon: You're kidding me. I have to fight Tentacle Dogs after I _just_ toppled that monstrosity?

Game: Have fun!

Leon *kills the Tentacle Dogs*

Leon: OK, church time.

Leon *enters the church*

Leon: Huh, pretty nice in here. Too bad the Creepers are crazy.

Leon *climbs up ladder*

Leon: Wait…now there's nowhere for me to go!

Chandelier *clears throat*

Leon: …you're joking.

Chandelier *shrugs*

Leon: But…but what if you break under me?

Chandelier: I probably will, but it's the only way.

Leon *groans and jumps onto it, immediately freaks out, and quickly jumps to the other side*

Chandelier: Way to keep your cool, government agent.

Leon: Shut up, I made it.

Leon *notices giant painting of Saddler*

Leon: Who puts a picture of Emperor Palpatine in a church?

Leon *notices control panel with lights*

Leon: This looks cool.

Leon *pushes a button*

Lights *shine out*

Leon: Oh crap, a puzzle? Guess I'll just mess with it until it's solved.

30 minutes *pass*

Leon: DONE! And in record time!

Puzzle: ACTUALLY, I've been solved in—

Leon *walks away*

Leon: Ashley must be in here.

Leon *opens door*

Ashley: NO! DON'T COME THIS WAY!

Leon: CAN it, Wesker.

Ashley: NOOO!

Leon: Why are you freaking out when you can see I'm not like the Creepers?

Ashley: NOOOOOO!

Leon: Oh damnit. Listen, the President sent me to get you.

Ashley: My f-father?

Leon: Great, you have a stutter, too. Come on.

Leon *calls Hunnigan*

Leon: Guess who _I've_ got with me?

Hunnigan: Good, I'll send a chopper to this place outside the village. Hurry up,

Hunnigan *hangs up*

Leon: A thank you would have been nice. Come on, troll, let's go.

Leon *jumps down ladder and starts to walk away*

Ashley: Where are you going, Leon?

Leon: I'm…what are you doing? Jump!

Ashley: Where are you going, Leon?

Leon: Oh _God_, I have to CATCH you?

Leon *catches Ashley*

Leon: Now let's GO—

Emperor Palpatine: _I'll_ take the girl.

Leon: No way! I saw what you did to Anakin!

Emperor Palpatine: …what are you talking about?

Leon: I won't fall for your tricks, _Pal_-patine!

Emperor Palpatine: …I'm Saddler.

Leon: Oh. What do you want?

Saddler: To demonstrate our AWE-some power!

Leon: …the power that makes people's heads explode into things that can be killed by the flash of a camera?

Saddler: Yes. Wait, NO! Don't mock the power!

Leon: That guy with the power coming out of his neck is pretty dead. And I took his gold, too.

Saddler: …well we put Creeper eggs in you and Dogface over there. So suck on THAT!

Leon: …you put WHAT in me?

Saddler: EGGS! And soon, when they hatch, you will both be my PUPPETS!

Leon: …and to think, if only you guys had TV, stuff like this could all be avoided.

Saddler: Enough!

Monks with crossbows *enter*

Leon: So…you're going to have them kill us after you just said Ashley needed to be alive in order for your plan to work?

Saddler: YES! Diabolical and clever, no?

Leon: No.

Leon *busts through a window with Ashley*

Leon: Oh, so you can jump out a freakin' window, but you can't jump down a ladder?

Ashley: I have special powers in cutscenes.

Leon: Oh.

END OF SECTION 2-1


End file.
